Look at me
by Anria
Summary: [Vignette] Everybody's looking, but nobody's seeing - except him.


I think I'm on crack. First AS fic, after rereading the entire bloody manga for the 90 billionth time. Did anyone else love the ending?

**Warnings**: probably spoilers, possibly OOC (hey, it is my first AS fic), um . . . shounen ai (because it's Katan and Rociel, fer chrissakes), smidgen of angst, vignette  
**Pairings**: like I said, Rociel and Katan.  
**Disclaimer**: I would like to lie and say I own them, but that would be insulting Kaori Yuki-sama. ::bows::

**Look at me**  
by Anria

_Look at me, look at me._   
  
His every word, his every action screams it. And they look, they all look, some in fear and some in hate and some in worship and some in reverence but they all look, always look, because they can't turn away.   
  
He glows.   
  
_Look at me, look at me._   
  
So they're always looking, which is what he wants, right? But he's never happy with it. Never. But he doesn't know why.   
  
I do.   
  
They look, they look, they always look and look and look - but none of them _see_.   
  
They look and they see what they expect to see which isn't what's _there_. God's right hand, the beautiful and powerful Rociel-sama that you can either worship or hate but nothing in between.   
  
So they're looking and looking but none of them are seeing and it's okay because he likes it like that. Even if he's not happy like that. He wants to be noticed, wants to be in the limelight, wants to force people to _look_ at him - _look at me, look at me_ - to have his beauty affirmed by all so he knows he's nothing like what he once was, he's beautiful and desirable and everything anyone could ever want him to be. But he doesn't want them to see him because it scares him, because he's afraid that even if he can make the outside beautiful he can't change the inside and the inside is what he doesn't want people to see because he hates it, hates himself, hates hates hates.   
  
He can't see that he was always shining on the inside. I try to tell him that, try to tell him that when I didn't have eyes to see I could feel him and he was glorious.   
  
But he pushes me away, because I see too much and sometimes he can't stand it.   
  
But I don't let myself get pushed away because I know some things that he doesn't. I know that someday he'll turn to someone who looks at him and he'll want to be _seen_, and if I'm not there then he'll be all alone and I couldn't stand to let that happen to him, not to Rociel-sama.   
  
As for me, it is enough to simply be near him.   
  
And he does need me, even now. Because the people who look and don't see can hurt him in ways they've never dreamed of and because they've never dreamed of it they don't know, don't realise, don't see how they're shredding him into tiny bits of shattered insanity, but I know. I know enough that if he's ever called a monster by anyone I'm there and I hold him and I tell him he is beautiful, over and over and over again until maybe one day he'll believe me.   
  
But he won't believe me.   
  
Rociel-sama. . . .   
  
You are beautiful beyond words, beyond comparison, beyond dreams. You are the sun and the moon and the earth and the stars and everything that is beautiful in heaven or hell.   
  
You are beautiful, but broken.   
  
I want to hate Alexiel for that, want to rip her open and spread her entrails over the floor and dance on them so she knows what it feels like, but I know she is the only reason Rociel-sama is still alive. And so I owe her for that. But I want to find her and force her to see how she has hurt Rociel-sama, how he bleeds on the inside and his mind has twisted, want to punch my hand into her head and twist her mind in the same way, so she feels the same pain like a sister should.   
  
But I won't, because Rociel-sama needs me more.   
  
I know he needs me. I know he needs me more than he can ever say. And that makes everything all right, because if I can be there for Rociel-sama, if I can be what he needs and give him what he needs then it's enough for me.   
  
I love him.   
  
And I _see_ him.   
  
And it's enough for me. 

**[Owari]**

O.o I swear this thing came out of nowhere.

On another note: I have a butt-ugly glass frog on my desk that I kept staring at as I wrote this. ::points finger:: I blame everything on the frog.


End file.
